Coaching, Friendship and Spiritual Friendship
by Viramitra
I am working as coach with business people and others including some Buddhists.
In this piece I want to explore the difference between a coaching relationship and a friendship as a not infrequent question is “ why should I need a coach if I’ve got good friends? ” or “Surely spiritual friendship should address this? ”
I tend to explain coaching as “Coaching is for people who want to improve their sense of fulfilment and balance in their everyday lives” – This may be in areas such as work/ career friendship, money, environment, family or even spirituality.
Professionalism
Our friends can help us by listening to us and maybe making suggestions, but this is different from coaching where the coach will help you to see things from fresh perspectives, by utilising various skills, structures and techniques: To become more clear about the reality of the particular situation, where it fits with other aspects and patterns in your life. The coach will help you clarify your goals and aspiration, and review various options and strategies to achieve these with integrity; consistent with your deepest personal values. Like the best of our friends, the coach will give encouragement, spurring you on to give wings to your dreams or challenge your current behaviour.
Friendship is a two way, reciprocal relationship, whereas coaching is more transactional. This frees the client from any sense of obligation to know about the life of the coach.
As friends our natural tendency is to want to ‘help’. Taking the stance of just asking questions (the right and powerful questions) and not putting forward ones own views is not easy - One could be perceived as not caring. However, in the early stage of the coaching relationship it is precisely this kind of thing that is ‘ contracted’, agreed on explicitly. This would seem too formal in a friendship.
Professional coaching is contractual in other ways too. There are constraints- Time, place, duration, content (in some cases) and cost.
Commitment
The process of coaching takes time, which our friends don’t always have. The coach will stick with you through out the whole process- and over an agreed period of time.
Anonymity
Our friendships are mostly conditional, so that there are things that we cannot discuss, either because they are too personal or because they refer to others. Discussing a relationship to others always has the potential for disharmony if your friend knows the other party. Coaching provides a professional anonymous context in which to explore the current perceived situation safely.
Kalyana Mitrata
The Buddha said that Spiritual Friendship (Kalyana Mitrata) is the whole of the spiritual life. My view is that coaching is usually to help people with their everyday lives; integrating their sense of spirituality in this context if this an issue for the client. Spirituality may be just one thread of a person’s life. Whereas the ‘role’ of KM is to help their friend develop spiritually. I have argued above that coaching is professional and transactional, which I believe are not characteristics of spiritual friendship. However, both coaching and spiritual friendship maintain that unconditional positive regard is essential. The positive regard of coaching aims to be unconditional, but it does not necessarily have the depth that kalyana mitrata does; it is a paler shadow of metta and upeksa. So what of the Buddhist coach? He or she will surely aspire to include the Brahma Viharas within their practice. So does this make the relationship one of Kalyana Mitrata? At this point I believe the difference is one of emphasis.
ConclusionIn conclusion, there are important differences between a coaching relationship and a friendship, and although there are similarities, coaching can be distinguished from spiritual friendship by the quality and emphasis. To borrow from the Christian Bible- ‘render under to Caesar that which is Caesars’, and to God that which belongs to God.’
Viramitra
2/12/2005
www.releasecoaching.com
www.kindseat.com
by Viramitra
I am working as coach with business people and others including some Buddhists.
In this piece I want to explore the difference between a coaching relationship and a friendship as a not infrequent question is “ why should I need a coach if I’ve got good friends? ” or “Surely spiritual friendship should address this? ”
I tend to explain coaching as “Coaching is for people who want to improve their sense of fulfilment and balance in their everyday lives” – This may be in areas such as work/ career friendship, money, environment, family or even spirituality.
Professionalism
Our friends can help us by listening to us and maybe making suggestions, but this is different from coaching where the coach will help you to see things from fresh perspectives, by utilising various skills, structures and techniques: To become more clear about the reality of the particular situation, where it fits with other aspects and patterns in your life. The coach will help you clarify your goals and aspiration, and review various options and strategies to achieve these with integrity; consistent with your deepest personal values. Like the best of our friends, the coach will give encouragement, spurring you on to give wings to your dreams or challenge your current behaviour.
Friendship is a two way, reciprocal relationship, whereas coaching is more transactional. This frees the client from any sense of obligation to know about the life of the coach.
As friends our natural tendency is to want to ‘help’. Taking the stance of just asking questions (the right and powerful questions) and not putting forward ones own views is not easy - One could be perceived as not caring. However, in the early stage of the coaching relationship it is precisely this kind of thing that is ‘ contracted’, agreed on explicitly. This would seem too formal in a friendship.
Professional coaching is contractual in other ways too. There are constraints- Time, place, duration, content (in some cases) and cost.
Commitment
The process of coaching takes time, which our friends don’t always have. The coach will stick with you through out the whole process- and over an agreed period of time.
Anonymity
Our friendships are mostly conditional, so that there are things that we cannot discuss, either because they are too personal or because they refer to others. Discussing a relationship to others always has the potential for disharmony if your friend knows the other party. Coaching provides a professional anonymous context in which to explore the current perceived situation safely.
Kalyana Mitrata
The Buddha said that Spiritual Friendship (Kalyana Mitrata) is the whole of the spiritual life. My view is that coaching is usually to help people with their everyday lives; integrating their sense of spirituality in this context if this an issue for the client. Spirituality may be just one thread of a person’s life. Whereas the ‘role’ of KM is to help their friend develop spiritually. I have argued above that coaching is professional and transactional, which I believe are not characteristics of spiritual friendship. However, both coaching and spiritual friendship maintain that unconditional positive regard is essential. The positive regard of coaching aims to be unconditional, but it does not necessarily have the depth that kalyana mitrata does; it is a paler shadow of metta and upeksa. So what of the Buddhist coach? He or she will surely aspire to include the Brahma Viharas within their practice. So does this make the relationship one of Kalyana Mitrata? At this point I believe the difference is one of emphasis.
ConclusionIn conclusion, there are important differences between a coaching relationship and a friendship, and although there are similarities, coaching can be distinguished from spiritual friendship by the quality and emphasis. To borrow from the Christian Bible- ‘render under to Caesar that which is Caesars’, and to God that which belongs to God.’
Viramitra
2/12/2005
www.releasecoaching.com
www.kindseat.com
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